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cereal boxes lie, but Carmen keeps it real
April 16, 2003
The cereal that I eat most days has a big blurb on the back of the box that says, "Just two bowls a day for two weeks and you can lose six pounds!" and I am struck, first, by the sheer lack of ambition in that statement. Maybe it's because I read too much spam, but who the hell is setting his sights so low that he only wants to lose six pounds? I want to lose 180 pounds fast like the guy in my inbox promised, without having to make any changes to my breakfast or lunch, you filthy, lazy, under-promising purveyors of sugared grain! And if that means I have to get my weight up to 180 to do it, then cue up the Michael Sembello 'cause I'm a weight-losing Maniac.
But the other thing is, and I know this comes as a surprise, this weight-loss claim is a lie. I know this from having conducted extensive scientific studies on the subject. You see, I always eat two bowls, and many days, I eat five or six, first thing in the morning. And I haven't lost a single pound. They're damned liars, I say.
But there's something even more important than lying cereal boxes that I need to get off my chest. (Help! I'm being crushed by cereal boxes lying on my chest!) In 1993, Carmen Electra (you remember her? Fake boobs, Baywatch, Playboy, married Rodman or Navarro or one of those androgynous tattooed guys...) put out an album.
As is typical for me, I have the burden of owning this execrable excuse for an album, in addition to all of the remix-laden maxi-singles for the songs that were released from it. And as if the shame of these confessions is not enough, I also had the misfortune, during the brief period when it amused me to listen to this abysmal thing, to memorize a few of the lines that she rapped (!) on the disc. Oh, did I fail to mention that Carmen Electra's CD was a rap album? Yea, verily, the soon-to-be Baywatch Beauty kicked the verses. But I digress. The point is, I can spit mad Electra rhymes, from memory. To wit:
Can I get a witness
With this funk with the quickness?
Microphone swiftness, is my business
Checkin' out the brothers with a funky stride,
If you don't wanna dance, honey-drip step aside
As I move to the left can I get a little?
As I move to the right can I get a little?
Two times in the center as I kick a riddle
My name is Carmen Electra and I ain't in the middle.
Yes, I am available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
The sad part about this lyric, though, is not merely that I can recite it, but that it too is a lie. Carmen's says "My name is Carmen Electra" but her real name isn't Carmen Electra. It's Tara Patrick. But the thing is, she's clearly set new lows in pure hoochieness, because, as I understand it, her given name was adopted by a porn star.
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy's trademark schtick, if your real name is so uncannily effective at conjuring up images of whorishness that it's been adopted as a porn star's nom de screw, You Might Be A Ho.
But I don't begrudge Ms. Patrick Electra her specious sobriquet or her mellifluous mendacity. In fact, I support her decision a decade ago to stick with her story. When I look up from my fourth or fifth bowl of cereal and think to myself, "Ya know, she's a white girl named Tara Patrick from Cleveland who put out a rap album, and then used her willingness to bare her prosthetic breasts to turn herself into a millionaire," I'm actually somewhat moved. There's only one thing that I can say when confronted with evidence such unrelentingly impressive accomplishments: God bless America.
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ukazu || motley
You Might Be a Ho: Anil Dash on Carmen Electra (originally Tara Patrick), "If your real name is so uncannily effective at conjuring up images of whorishness that it's been adopted as a porn star's nom de screw, You Might Be A Ho." read more »WE ARE HUGH
cereal boxes lie, but Carmen keeps it real: anildash: "As is typical for me, I have the burden of owning this execrable excuse for an album, in addition to all of the remix-laden maxi-singles for the songs that were released from it." read more »Geof
This could so easily turn into a “what album are you most embarrassed to admit you own?” discussion. ;)
I had no idea that she ever put out an album, but I can’t decide what’s scarier: that she’d do that, or that someone with taste would buy it. -chuckle-
Lutero
I just hope the cereal you’re eating isn’t called Colon Blow, because six bowls of that will surely do you in.
Joe Grossberg
The porn star’s name is “Tera”, not “Tara”, Patrick.
That said, she’s way hotter than Carmen Electra.
Not that I’ve ever watched porn, or anything …
Melissa
I am so embarrassed to know that “Carmen” is actually from Cincinnati, not Cleveland. She went to the same “performing arts” high school as my college roommate (I was in living with said roommate when the “Carmen” “album” was released, and everyone was very proud.) More lies: [Also early in “Carmen’s” “career”,] my husband saw an interview with her and was left truly believing that she had only gotten those gargantuan fake breasts because she had suffered from cancer and got them as part of the reconstruction process. Uh, ok. Sad story, but those boobs don’t bring to mind the phrase “medical necessity”.
I promise that this is the full extent of my “Carmen” knowlege, and that if ever asked, I will deny knowing even this much.
Anil
I have revealed my lack of knowledge of both porn and Ohio. For once, I am pleased with my own ignorance.
Robin
An album? snort
Still, she has the prettiest fake boobies I ever saw.
Vidiot
This is kind of scary, but I heard that Madonna’s new album sucks even worse than most of her other stuff. (I doubt THAT’S true.) So I googled for some of the lyrics:
I’m drinking a Soy latte I get a double shot-tay It goes right through my body And you know I’m satisfied, I drive my mini cooper And I’m feeling super-dooper Yo they tell I’m a trooper And you know I’m satisfied I do yoga and pilates And the room is full of hotties So I’m checking out the bodies And you know I’m satisfied I’m digging on the isotopes This metaphysics shit is dope And if all this can give me hope You know I’m satisfied I got a lawyer and a manager An agent and a chef Three nannies, an assistant And a driver and a jet A trainer and a butler And a bodyguard or five A gardener and a stylist Do you think I’m satisfied? I’d like to express my extreme point of view I’m not Christian and I’m not a Jew I’m just living out the American dream And I just realized that nothing Is what it seems
Pure poetry, no?
monsur
Now you just need Victoria Silvstedt’s “Hello Hey” and you’ll be set…
wilhemina
Carmen Electra has justified her existence: She made necessary a new name test.
Dok Millennium
“specious sobriquet”? “mellifluous mendacity”? dang anil, you need to be bustin’ some rhymes your damn self!
pr0nster
Actually her real name is TARA Patrick, not Tera Patrick, cause Tera patrick is foreign, hot and has real boobs. I got the vids if you wanna see the proof. So the author of this very entertaining article is right. Other tahn a quick google search, you’ll find her mugshot here: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/electramug1.html
asdfasdf
http://pub13.bravenet.com/guestmap/show.php?usernum=1055696213&lightmap=0&icons=0&&entrylist=0&zoom=0&welcome=1
Tora
The best way to lose weight is probably cutting down on the food, and just doing a lot of excercise.
Robert
well .. the idea is to burn more calories than you get from nutrition… and if you pull down the nutrition intake abit .. wonders happen and usually also eating disorders ..
yes, my father is a bodybuilder so I’m stuffed with loads of useless knowledge about the physiology of man…
j. brotherlove
I lusted Carmen so much when I first saw her, I bought the CD the day it came out and forced myself to listen to it everyday. I am so glad she went for nearly naked, pinup actress and left “music” alone.
That which does not kill us…
Dustin
Sorry to be the critical voice here, but your ceral box was telling the truth. If all you ate was just two bowls of ceral a day for two weeks, you would lose weight. You might even lose teeth!
Tom
Here’s another perspective… a few weeks ago I met Carmen for the first time. She was the star of a project I was involved with. This project was a pain — we had to shoot all night long, she was pulled from pillar to post, things were confused and fouled up. Even Mother Theresa might have gotten bitchy under the circumstances.
Carmen was never once anything but great. She was way smarter, nicer, funnier and harder-working than I expected her to be. She delivered everything we asked her to, and more.
I was never a real fan of hers before this project, but I have enormous respect for her now.
I don’t know if her rap CD is any good, but Carmen herself is terrific.
beth
funny, funny entry. you had me at ‘sheer lack of ambition…’. also wanted to say thanks - altho i don’t comment much, i’ve been reading your site for some time, and really appreciate it. so, thanks!
Patricia Nichols
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this Carmen Electra album was produced by Prince.
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