A Blog About Making Culture
sharp as a razor
April 5, 2003
One of the things that troubles me about my daily routine is that we seem to have devoted a disproportionate amount of our culture's scientific resources to the development of new kinds of razors and other shaving implements.
This has become more apparent to me after having recently gotten rid of my facial hair. Yes, I'm a web guy, but it's probably been about half a decade since the "geek goatee" thing was either appropriate or novel. So it was time to trim.
A few unfortunate revelations accompanied this change to my heretofore hirsute countenance. The first was that, sometime during the last few years, I lost my chin. It has receded at an alarming rate, leaving me with a head shaped exactly like a big, fat, perfectly spherical Charlie Brown basketball noggin. You know how that one "wacky" uncle of yours insists upon referring to your head as a "melon"? Well, that's my fault. I'm the guy who inspired that.
But the other unfortunate realization is even less pleasant: It turns out that I used to look almost exactly like this guy. Which, as you might guess, turns out to be a bit inconvenient, especially since I've been hopping on commercial airline flights fairly frequently of late. But that's not really a serious problem. A serious problem is going through airport security while looking like a freshly-shaven version of America's Number One Terrorism Suspect.
"Hmm. Sir, your ID here shows you with a goatee."
Uh, yeah. I shaved that off.
"And no glasses...?"
Well, I usually wear contacts.
"And this address doesn't match the tags on your luggage..."
Well, that's just to distract you from the massive quantities of C4 in my carry-on!
As it turns out, the TSA agents have even less of a sense of humor than they're given credit for. And they've got no sympathy for changes of address. But speaking of carry-ons, that's what I used to keep my razor in while travelling, though that's no longer allowed. And said razors, mind you, is what I was talking about in the first place. Pardon my digression.
I like to think of myself as keeping up to date on developments in science and popular culture. Clearly, though, I'm kidding myself, as sometime during the 1990s an entire technological arms race in shaving technology passed me by. One blade? No! Two blades? Not enough! Three blades! Now you're talking!
I shudder to think what sort of combination of steel wool and zoysia grass is growing out of people's faces that it requires three successive passes of razor-sharp steel in order to separate them from their hair. But the really interesting side effect of the increasingly elaborate shaving systems under development is that they are starting to require some terrifyingly complex implements to be constructed just to provide the necessary support infrastructure.
Assembly lines spitting out advanced composites forged from rare alloys and graphite and polycarbonate and bulletproof tyvek, all shaped into perfectly ergonomic grips. These precision-molded handles are then topped with razor heads the size of a credit card, which seems to assume an awful lot of flat, planar space on someone's head. I'm picturing the users of these devices as being largely polygonal, with some kind of unlikely cubist skull, like Max Headroom or Frankenstein or Nancy Kerrigan. ("Why?! Why?! Why?!")
And it's not enough that they just have these blades propped up on computer-controlled hydraulic suspensions, no. They have to hone these things from the most obscure and scarce materials possible. "We destroyed four of Jupiter's lesser moons in order to refine enough molybdenum to create these blades, all to bring you the closest shave possible! Get your hair off!"
That's not to say that all of these efforts aren't important, of course. It's only our clean-shaven status that keeps us from becoming savages like the Taliban or Frida Kahlo. But it seems as if all of this technology could, perhaps, be focused on something slightly more productive or useful. Like USB-powered toothbrushes. Why, imagine if such devices caught on! It'd be a future where anyone with a laptop computer could clean their own teeth. Perhaps even as frequently as once or twice a week, batteries permitting.
That's the kind of tomorrow I want to live in.
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You need a categories for entries like these. File under: Hygiene!
DJSUBg
Your great big noggin is blocking my view of the 24 hr coverage of the shock and awe campain on TV
Su
Why the hell would someone ever be brushing their teeth anywhere near computer equipment?
Damien
Wow, Anil. That terrorist guy really does look a lot like you. Really.
Does Fox News know about this? It could be a big story for them.
Grant Barrett
I turned you in, but I guess it didn’t take.
Choire
Oh thank god. It’s safe to make out with you again.
mathew
I’m wondering why there isn’t a usb-powered electric shaver.
Stan
I agree with you 100% regarding the shaving arms race. [productpitch]But I have to say, much to my surprise, the 3-blade razor (I frankly don’t know which of the two big brands I use) has revolutionized my morning routine. Previously, no matter what products I used, shaving resulted in lots of skin and emotional irritation and little bloody spots on my neck. But now I shave without any of that. Thank goodness for technology! [/productpitch]
Greg R
Anil, several years ago the New Yorker writer, James Surowiecki, wrote a piece for the magazine titled “The Billion Dollar Blade.” It chronicles the development of the Gillette Mach 3, the first of the triple-bladed razors.
It’s a terrific article about the behind-the-scenes engineering of a brand … and the engineering of (ahem) a “cutting edge” technology. (Gah! Forgive me! I had to say it!)
Of course, the New Yorker hasn’t kept the article online, but this being the web, several individuals have violated copyright laws to put the article online in at least two places.
ryan
Toothbrush technology is the best, and USB-powered hygeine products ARE a good idea.
It’s remarkable, isn’t it? We are the only creatures on earth who use utensils to clean our teeth. After 1 million years of human evolution, we are eating like shit, so the entire industry of Dentisry developped to help us take care of ourselves. I have a theory that in was in fact a consortium of Dentists who originally bankrolled the fledgeling soft drink and candy bar industries. But, then, I have a lot of theories.
I like the idea of home computer tech merging with hygeine tech. When the mirror on my medicine cabinet becomes a flat-panel monitor wired to a SinkCam through a CPU running Microsoft Bathroom Window 2012 (to track my vital stats, regulate my anti-depressant dosages, and help me PH balance my skin while precision-controling my USB tooth-brush), then we’ll talk.
Tora
lol
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