A Blog About Making Culture
We Got Married.
October 31, 2005
I've written about a lot of things on my blog that I felt were important to me over the years, so it's something of an uncanny feeling to know that I'm writing about the one that's the most important thing I've ever written. On Saturday, I got married.
My wife's name (wife!) is Alaina Browne. Many of you who know me in person have met her and know of her, and a lot of you whom I've never met might know her from her work on A Full Belly or with Mule Design. She's much more than a few URLs, of course, but it's a useful introduction for people who didn't know we were connected.
It's hard to find words to describe something as amazing as what this past weekend was like for me... The funny thing about life is that the most profound things are often the most banal. Our story is unique and at the same time exactly the same as every love story that's ever been. Though this was the most personal thing I've ever been through, it's one of the few events so universal that almost everyone understands it. And I wish everyone could have the happiness we do, and could have as much fun as we've been having.
But there are the parts that are uniquely us, maybe even some ideas that might inspire other people who wrestle with the everyday details of relationships, commitment, family, friendship, and marriage. I don't intend to write about what Alaina means to me, because some things are just for us, but I thought I'd take some notes on them now, as much for myself as for anybody else who'd want to read them.
For a long time, I've resisted sharing anything about these parts of my private life on my blog because the blogosphere can be an unkind or even impersonal place. Now that it's a matter of public record, though, it seems an arbitrary distinction to make. (After all, I talk about my politics or my hobbies on my site, and those could be equally personal.) But it's been important to me to protect the thing that matters the most to me, and it makes me sad in some ways that years ago I wouldn't have though twice in the past to talk about my engagement or wedding in advance.
For better or for worse, that's not the way my blog works anymore. It's a more public space. But if my wife is okay with the fact that I'll probably have to filter out tech support requests from the comments on this post, I think I can deal with it. Some kinds of attention are just par for the course in the blogosphere. (Although, given that there were half a dozen Blogebrity A-listers at our wedding, what does it take to make the blogging society columns these days?!)
I've also had a number of people who've seen photos of the event online ask about how they can commemorate our wedding. Ordinarily, I'd be aghast at the idea of promoting a wedding registry to strangers, but we've registered with an organization called the I Do Foundation. The group let us select a number of charities we wanted to support as a couple, and people who want to celebrate the event can make a donation in our names to the charity of your choosing. So I'm not too shy about promoting that option, and I'm even willing to ask everyone to be generous.
So how did I get to this point? Growing up, I didn't understand marriage in the same way as my peers. My parents basically had an arranged marriage, which gave me a vastly different perspective on the path to commitment. (Arranged marriages aren't quite as exotic as most people in western countries seem to think: Being set up with someone who shares your economic, cultural, religious, and social background is pretty much a universal tendency, whether the setup happens through one's parents, a church mixer, or on Match.com.)
The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first. It doesn't occur to most people to get upset that they don't get to choose their siblings; You just love your brother or sister, or you try to, and you fight sometimes and you disagree, and then you get over it, and that's what family is about. And in some ways, marriage can be like that, too. There's a liberation in knowing you don't have an easy out: You know you're going to make it work, and you're not going to give up.
So one of the great things about having had the perspective of another culture's look at marriage was realizing that there's a freedom in knowing you can always count on the commitment as a framework that you work within. The absence of that immutable commitment was the thing I most lamented and was dismayed by in so many of the marriages I saw growing up. And it made it easier to know when I was ready and that I'd found the right person who shared that desire, even in a thoroughly American context.
Once you get to the point where you know you're ready to get married, though, there's a lot of logistics. And I think it's probably stressful for most people. Everything I'd seen on television or movies or magazines seemed so much more focused on people getting "weddinged" than on getting married. If you tell people you're engaged, they start talking to you about that one day, and almost never about the other half century you're signing up for. More couples probably pay for wedding planners than for marriage counselors, and I think the allotment of resources there shows in a lot of marriages. I don't care how good the florist at your reception is, they're never gonna help you talk to your in-laws. Oh, and don't even get me started about the whole engagement ring thing.
The sad truth is, when it comes time to get married, people talk about arbitrary (or tacky!) traditions and what kind of dessert you're going to have and who's sitting at what table. But they don't talk about whether the couple really tells each other the truth, whether they agree about things like kids and family, and whether they've ever honestly discussed money and finances. If those things don't sound romantic to you, then maybe you're not doing it right.
I've been married all of two days; I won't pretend that I can give anybody advice on married life. But I've already seen what's worked to get me to a commitment and a love I never thought I'd find. I've learned that, when you're doing things right, starting a life together as a couple can be fun and enjoyable and downright simple.
And perhaps just as importantly, I learned that you can define love and life on your own terms. Our families and friends came together from all over the country and all over the world to bring us together. Other couples who inspired us overcame obstacles ranging from family pressure to geography to finances to legal prohibitions to old-fashioned cold feet to build a commitment to each other. And in the end, that inspiration is what we're trying to honor by making this step together.
Among the many things that were said, some of the words that my father-in-law shared with us struck me as the best lesson I learned in getting married. And like I said, it could seem simple, even obvious, when you read it on a screen, because it's so universal. But when you live it and make a public commitment to it, it becomes downright profound.
What he told us is that, in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the world gets the chance to discover that in the way that I have. I love you, Alaina.
Previously: More on Interesting Economics
Rain City Geek
Congratulations to Anil Dash: Congratulations to Anil Dash, who posted an announcement of his wedding last Saturday. I don’t know Anil, except for what I’ve read on his blog, but let me offer my congratulations again. Much happiness and many years together for you bo... read more »crabrising.info
what love is...: Anil Dash said in this post about getting married : What he told us is that, in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the read more »West Coast Dreaming
Love is All that Matters : Blog A-lister Anil Dash got married this week, and shared this pearl of wisdom from his new father-in-law.<p>Amongread more »
Michael Doss 
Congrats on your wedding! I’ve been reading your site for years, and it’s great to see a piece like this one. Here’s to many years of happiness!
TheBrad
I wish I could have been there and I wish you years of love. May you look back on Saturday decades from now and see it for what it was: the day on which you loved one another the least.
Rafe
Congratulations, Anil. I wish you both all the best.
Peter Wood
Congratulations! You picked a wonderful month and a wonderful part of the month to get married… IMHO, anyway. :-) My wife and I got married on October 26, 2002. It has been a wonderful three years for us, and I wish you many happy years of the same!
Steven I. Weiss
This is beautiful, Anil. Thank you for sharing. When the headline for this post popped up on my screen, I rushed to read it. In typical fashion, you’ve shown a thoughtful, caring and concerned approach to life and living that helps me to formulate my own ideas moving forward. Congratulations to the both of you, and may your life ahead be one of much more love, happiness, and health.
donnie j
Congrats to you Mr. Dash. You truly are one of the most genuine people on the web - this post was perfect. Congrats again my friend.
Stewart
Congrats to you both, and many happinesses!
Michael Parekh
Congratulations, Anil…Mubarak Ho…
and welcome to the club…
One question though…what are you doing blogging on the honeymoon?
She lets you blog through that, she is most definitely one of a kind.
All the best for the times ahead.
:)
Matt
Congrats guys.
Jackson West
Nothing but the best to you two crazy kids!
Jeevan
Congrats Anil!
Jake Ludington
Congrats Anil and Alaina! Many years of happiness for you both.
のぶ
Congratulations! At first I thought it was about corporate merger or something. I am glad you shared part of your private life. Thank you.
Andy Baio
I’m so sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet Alaina at Web 1.0 and offer my congratulations in person. So happy for you both.
Eugene Chan
Many blessings to you both. Congrats.
Brajeshwar
Congratulations! And wishing the best of times ahead to both of you.
Michael Sippey
I couldn’t be happier for the two of you. Here’s to many, many happy years ahead!
Ewan McPhail
From one married guy to another - congratulations :-) Best wishes for the future - your post made me re-appreciate my own wonderful marriage and family. I hope yours is as wonderful.
Jasmeet
Congrats to the two of you!
Gen
ご結婚おめでとうございます！
Congratulations on your wedding and best wishes for your new life together!
gillo
Congratulations to you both!!!
Arvind Satyanarayan
Congratulations Anil :)
David Wertheimer
Congratulations to you both!
Neil
To years and years of happiness.
Andrew
Congratulations!
Bill
Many congratulations Anil and Alaina!
Sunil
Congratulations Anil. It’s been great to follow you over the years, both personally and professionally. Marriage gets even better and more rewarding with time…
Dan
Congratulations, Anil! It sounds like you have your head in the right place and understand the fundamental commitment that marriage entails. It does my heart good to see it. I’ve been married five years and change and having that commitment to the marriage has made it never feel like work; loving effort sometimes, but never fearful work.
Kevin Burton
w00t! That rox! congrats!
Kevin
lorissa
Congratulations to you and Alaina! I just celebrated my anniversary yesterday, and couldn’t agree with you and your father-in-law more.
Sowmy
Congratulations Anil. Its really nice of you share this moment with us. A fantastic post, can’t agree with you more…
Vinny Carpenter
Congratulation Anil and Alaina!! Great blog entry - very touching. Hoping for a lifetime of happiness for you two.
Tom
Hey Anil, Congrats to you and Alaina, that’s fantastic! Best wishes to both of you on a fantastic life together.
owillis
Congrats! But most importantly, how many songs from Prince were on the wedding playlist?
Nandini (Instablogs)
Congratulations Anil.. Wish you best of luck for the future.
Anil Dash
Three, Oliver. Three. :)
Dana Blankenhorn
You wrote “The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first.”
There’s real wisdom. Now take out the “in these contexts” bit and you have the secret to making a marriage last.
I’ve been married 28 years now, nearly, and if there hadn’t been a mutual commitment from the start, which we continually renewed, it wouldn’t have lasted.
Hard times will come. Love alone won’t get you through. At some point, it takes mutual commitment.
Good luck. If you’re as happy as we are in 28 years, consider yourself very fortunate.
Steve
Yay, is all. Also, you may now begin addressing her as “the ol’ ball and chain”. But mostly yay.
Kathryn Yu
congratulations, again, to you both. the wedding was lovely.
(it’s also the only one i’ve been to where the playlist consisted of equal parts bjork and prince.)
Mie
Congratulations, omedetou!
T’is a wonderful feeling to be married!
esoteric
While I’m not exactly reading up on marriage on a daily basis, this may be the best thing I’ve read in a while about love and relationships.
Congratualations, Anil.
I especially liked this:
“The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first. It doesn’t occur to most people to get upset that they don’t get to choose their siblings; You just love your brother or sister, or you try to, and you fight sometimes and you disagree, and then you get over it, and that’s what family is about. And in some ways, marriage can be like that, too. There’s a liberation in knowing you don’t have an easy out: You know you’re going to make it work, and you’re not going to give up.”
As I child of divorce, and as an observer of other dysfunctional relationships, I’ve always desired to find someone with that view of commitment. I call it unconditional love. It sounds like you have that in your marriage, and I’m happy for you.
I also liked this:
“What he told us is that, in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the world gets the chance to discover that in the way that I have. I love you, Alaina.”
Your father sounds like a wise man.
rpa
(Arranged marriages aren’t quite as exotic as most people in western countries seem to think: Being set up with someone who shares your economic, cultural, religious, and social background is pretty much a universal tendency, whether the setup happens through one’s parents, a church mixer, or on Match.com.)
I never could explain the dynamics of Arranged Marriage as simple as this. Cogratulations and have a wonderful life ahead.
Krishna
Congrats To both of you.
Kevin Schlutz
Hooray! :) Congratulations!
souris
beautiful entry. congrats anil and alaina! you are blessed to be loved and to find someone to love. i’m already looking forward to the anniversary posts!
TheOldMule
Love can never be well-rendered by words. But your hapiness is evident! Best wishes. I can relate - I have been married for 3 perfect years.
charlie
well said, as always.
i’ve known my wife 20 years (now just over half our lives). we’ve been married 14. as a rookie, you joined with alaina for all the right reasons and you grok what a commitment marriage is.
one thing you didn’t mention is how old long(er) time married folks like me come out of the woodwork and hand unsolicited advice.
here’s mine: the best advice i got on the relationsihp with one’s wife was from my brother’s best friend (was like a 2nd brother to me) - ‘Keep her happy, or she will look for it elsewhere.’
happy for both of you,
charlie
spread the love. peace.
David
Congratulations, Anil! An inspiring post.
Ashish
Congratulations Anil - this is a great news! :-)
James
Congratulations! And may you have a long long lifetime of happiness together. What wonderful news!
Shruthi
Hi.. I stumbled upon this post by accident.. and I haven’t read your blog before…. But this writeup really touched me.. Its beautiful! Cheers to both of you!
anthony
Congratulations, Anil
Ian
What a beautiful post Anil. Congratulations to you both!
Don Park
Congratulations, Anil. Marriage is like an investment of sort for the quality of second half of one’s life. The only bad part of it is that one has to keep pouring into the fund every day. ;-)
Jamil
How big’s the ring!!!
Yoav Rogovin
Think life has changed now that you’re married? Wait until you have your first child!
Anthony
Congrats, Anil!
Should we call her Alaina Dashes now?
turbanhead
Yay! Now make lots of mix-id babies!
Jammy
cool…marriage is a great feeling. We got married a year back…and i tell you life has been getting better with each passing day. Best wishes!
M.J. Buxton
Awesome. Many, many congratulations from a longtime reader!
Jeff
Congratulations to you Anil and best wishes to you Alaina (I think that is the proper etiquette)!
I would second Yoav’s comment. Enjoy each other’s company now. After children that becomes a hard-to-find commodity. -g
nani
Mazel tov!
Aby
Congrats good people ….. may the sun shine on you and may you be happy happy happy ……. now and forever …..
I read some bits about commitment and other stuff in the posts above ….
my two cents’ worth: to be able to really love a person, you need to get over the initial euphoria of love and get to a point where you are not smitten with them anymore ….. but you know that inspite of all their goofs and tardiness, when push comes to a shove, they are nice, KIND people ….
kindness to me is a great virtue …..
I think it is important to be kind and caring … not in a teenagerish sort of a way, but when you really mean it ….
I figure that’s when you learn to say, “I like it here ….. no one else is gonna tolerate me lying like this on the couch hogging the remote”
but, for now, be smitten
:p
Steve Jenson
As usual, I am late to the party. Congratulations!
joseph
i’m embarrassed…for some strange reason, i thought you were gay. clearly reading once a week isn’t enough.
congrats!
Mahangu
Congratulations Anil! :)
Viking KARWUR
Congratulations for both of you… Greetings from Jakarta, Indonesia….
Mun
Wow! I’ve been reading your blog for years. Congratulations Anil! Wishing you and Alaina many years of happiness! :-)
olyn
Congratulations Anil. 恭喜，恭喜， 早生贵子^^
Sophie
Many congratulations - I have had some good reading on this site and you deserve your happiness!
callum@sbate.com
Congratulations, have a long life together!
Cameron Barrett
Congratulations to you both.
Firas
Congrats!
Steve Rubel
Congratulations! What wonderful news!!
Devon
Congrats! :)
Dave Faulkner
Anil,
Many congratulations. As a Christian minister I’d love couples I prepare for marriage to read your thoughts. An absolute breath of fresh air in the blogosphere.
Adel
Congratulations and wish you both the very best.
dav
Yay, welcome to the newly spoused club!
(obviously way behind on my aggregator reading…)
Vijay Krishna
Congratulations Anil and Alaina.
Tim
Saw the pix on Allaboutgeorge. Congratulations and best wishes!
P.S. great attitude and great blog post — you’ll do well with married life.
Nicole Goodhue Boyd
Hi Anil,
We just got married in October too! Thank you for your insights on marriage. Especially what you father said. ( in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the world gets the chance to discover that in the way that I have.)
It’s so true. both our parents have been married many years and we have modeled our relashionship with each other by what we saw growing up
Nicole and Josh
Blog Network Forum
congrats anil
kalyan nanda
hello anil dada, i wish i wud have been there to see u . but still many congratulations, may god bless ur marraige and may u live a happy married life .
Aditya Naik
Congrats!
As they say.. Another one bites the dust :)
Have a gr8 time..
Mithil
i just came across this blog from a random site and as i begin to read…i thought wow just wow…so honest and so true and so PROFOUND and so obvious but still many many ppl do not get IT…u 2 got it and u 2 got IT…congrats
Jon Husband
Just got here .. very late .. via Hugh Macleod”s blog.
All I have to say, Anil, is thank you. Although I have only talked to you a few times, this post makes me believe that you are a solid and honest person who would be great to know in person.
That’s heavy lifting for a blog post, and demonstrates so very nicely the power of a sincere voice being shared openly.
Thanks again.
Floressa
Congrats ~! :)
tarun
Hey Anil,
Perhaps your grandfather hasn’t lived long enough to tell you, but when when you are in your grave, even love fades just like everythng else.
Oscar
u dont kno me but i just wanted 2 say thats the sweetest thing ive ever heard how u ended it
john
happy married life anil , i,am also getting married next month.
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