October 31, 2005
We Got Married.
I've written about a lot of things on my blog that I felt were important to me over the years, so it's something of an uncanny feeling to know that I'm writing about the one that's the most important thing I've ever written. On Saturday, I got married.
My wife's name (wife!) is Alaina Browne. Many of you who know me in person have met her and know of her, and a lot of you whom I've never met might know her from her work on A Full Belly or with Mule Design. She's much more than a few URLs, of course, but it's a useful introduction for people who didn't know we were connected.
It's hard to find words to describe something as amazing as what this past weekend was like for me... The funny thing about life is that the most profound things are often the most banal. Our story is unique and at the same time exactly the same as every love story that's ever been. Though this was the most personal thing I've ever been through, it's one of the few events so universal that almost everyone understands it. And I wish everyone could have the happiness we do, and could have as much fun as we've been having.
But there are the parts that are uniquely us, maybe even some ideas that might inspire other people who wrestle with the everyday details of relationships, commitment, family, friendship, and marriage. I don't intend to write about what Alaina means to me, because some things are just for us, but I thought I'd take some notes on them now, as much for myself as for anybody else who'd want to read them.
For a long time, I've resisted sharing anything about these parts of my private life on my blog because the blogosphere can be an unkind or even impersonal place. Now that it's a matter of public record, though, it seems an arbitrary distinction to make. (After all, I talk about my politics or my hobbies on my site, and those could be equally personal.) But it's been important to me to protect the thing that matters the most to me, and it makes me sad in some ways that years ago I wouldn't have though twice in the past to talk about my engagement or wedding in advance.
For better or for worse, that's not the way my blog works anymore. It's a more public space. But if my wife is okay with the fact that I'll probably have to filter out tech support requests from the comments on this post, I think I can deal with it. Some kinds of attention are just par for the course in the blogosphere. (Although, given that there were half a dozen Blogebrity A-listers at our wedding, what does it take to make the blogging society columns these days?!)
I've also had a number of people who've seen photos of the event online ask about how they can commemorate our wedding. Ordinarily, I'd be aghast at the idea of promoting a wedding registry to strangers, but we've registered with an organization called the I Do Foundation. The group let us select a number of charities we wanted to support as a couple, and people who want to celebrate the event can make a donation in our names to the charity of your choosing. So I'm not too shy about promoting that option, and I'm even willing to ask everyone to be generous.
So how did I get to this point? Growing up, I didn't understand marriage in the same way as my peers. My parents basically had an arranged marriage, which gave me a vastly different perspective on the path to commitment. (Arranged marriages aren't quite as exotic as most people in western countries seem to think: Being set up with someone who shares your economic, cultural, religious, and social background is pretty much a universal tendency, whether the setup happens through one's parents, a church mixer, or on Match.com.)
The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first. It doesn't occur to most people to get upset that they don't get to choose their siblings; You just love your brother or sister, or you try to, and you fight sometimes and you disagree, and then you get over it, and that's what family is about. And in some ways, marriage can be like that, too. There's a liberation in knowing you don't have an easy out: You know you're going to make it work, and you're not going to give up.
So one of the great things about having had the perspective of another culture's look at marriage was realizing that there's a freedom in knowing you can always count on the commitment as a framework that you work within. The absence of that immutable commitment was the thing I most lamented and was dismayed by in so many of the marriages I saw growing up. And it made it easier to know when I was ready and that I'd found the right person who shared that desire, even in a thoroughly American context.
Once you get to the point where you know you're ready to get married, though, there's a lot of logistics. And I think it's probably stressful for most people. Everything I'd seen on television or movies or magazines seemed so much more focused on people getting "weddinged" than on getting married. If you tell people you're engaged, they start talking to you about that one day, and almost never about the other half century you're signing up for. More couples probably pay for wedding planners than for marriage counselors, and I think the allotment of resources there shows in a lot of marriages. I don't care how good the florist at your reception is, they're never gonna help you talk to your in-laws. Oh, and don't even get me started about the whole engagement ring thing.
The sad truth is, when it comes time to get married, people talk about arbitrary (or tacky!) traditions and what kind of dessert you're going to have and who's sitting at what table. But they don't talk about whether the couple really tells each other the truth, whether they agree about things like kids and family, and whether they've ever honestly discussed money and finances. If those things don't sound romantic to you, then maybe you're not doing it right.
I've been married all of two days; I won't pretend that I can give anybody advice on married life. But I've already seen what's worked to get me to a commitment and a love I never thought I'd find. I've learned that, when you're doing things right, starting a life together as a couple can be fun and enjoyable and downright simple.
And perhaps just as importantly, I learned that you can define love and life on your own terms. Our families and friends came together from all over the country and all over the world to bring us together. Other couples who inspired us overcame obstacles ranging from family pressure to geography to finances to legal prohibitions to old-fashioned cold feet to build a commitment to each other. And in the end, that inspiration is what we're trying to honor by making this step together.
Among the many things that were said, some of the words that my father-in-law shared with us struck me as the best lesson I learned in getting married. And like I said, it could seem simple, even obvious, when you read it on a screen, because it's so universal. But when you live it and make a public commitment to it, it becomes downright profound.
What he told us is that, in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the world gets the chance to discover that in the way that I have. I love you, Alaina.
4 TrackBacks
Congratulations to Anil Dash, who posted an announcement of his wedding last Saturday. I don’t know Anil, except for what I’ve read on his blog, but let me offer my congratulations again. Much happiness and many years together for you bo... Read More
Anil Dash said in this post about getting married : What he told us is that, in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the Read More
Blog A-lister Anil Dash got married this week, and shared this pearl of wisdom from his new father-in-law.<p>
AmongRead More
Three years and one day ago, I got married. And the next day, I wrote a post about getting married, which has become one of... Read More
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Congrats on your wedding! I've been reading your site for years, and it's great to see a piece like this one. Here's to many years of happiness!
I wish I could have been there and I wish you years of love. May you look back on Saturday decades from now and see it for what it was: the day on which you loved one another the least.
Congratulations, Anil. I wish you both all the best.
Congratulations! You picked a wonderful month and a wonderful part of the month to get married... IMHO, anyway. :-) My wife and I got married on October 26, 2002. It has been a wonderful three years for us, and I wish you many happy years of the same!
This is beautiful, Anil. Thank you for sharing.
When the headline for this post popped up on my screen, I rushed to read it. In typical fashion, you've shown a thoughtful, caring and concerned approach to life and living that helps me to formulate my own ideas moving forward.
Congratulations to the both of you, and may your life ahead be one of much more love, happiness, and health.
Congrats to you Mr. Dash. You truly are one of the most genuine people on the web - this post was perfect. Congrats again my friend.
Congrats to you both, and many happinesses!
Congratulations, Anil...Mubarak Ho...
and welcome to the club...
One question though...what are you doing blogging on the honeymoon?
She lets you blog through that, she is most definitely one of a kind.
All the best for the times ahead.
:)
Congrats guys.
Nothing but the best to you two crazy kids!
Congrats Anil!
Congrats Anil and Alaina! Many years of happiness for you both.
Congratulations!
At first I thought it was about corporate merger or something. I am glad you shared part of your private life.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry I didn't get a chance to meet Alaina at Web 1.0 and offer my congratulations in person. So happy for you both.
Many blessings to you both. Congrats.
Congratulations!
And wishing the best of times ahead to both of you.
I couldn't be happier for the two of you. Here's to many, many happy years ahead!
From one married guy to another - congratulations :-) Best wishes for the future - your post made me re-appreciate my own wonderful marriage and family. I hope yours is as wonderful.
Congrats to the two of you!
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Congratulations on your wedding and best wishes for your new life together!
Congratulations to you both!!!
Congratulations Anil :)
Congratulations to you both!
To years and years of happiness.
Congratulations!
Many congratulations Anil and Alaina!
Congratulations Anil. It's been great to follow you over the years, both personally and professionally. Marriage gets even better and more rewarding with time...
Congratulations, Anil! It sounds like you have your head in the right place and understand the fundamental commitment that marriage entails. It does my heart good to see it. I've been married five years and change and having that commitment to the marriage has made it never feel like work; loving effort sometimes, but never fearful work.
w00t! That rox! congrats!
Kevin
Congratulations to you and Alaina! I just celebrated my anniversary yesterday, and couldn't agree with you and your father-in-law more.
Congratulations Anil. Its really nice of you share this moment with us. A fantastic post, can't agree with you more...
Congratulation Anil and Alaina!! Great blog entry - very touching. Hoping for a lifetime of happiness for you two.
Hey Anil, Congrats to you and Alaina, that's fantastic! Best wishes to both of you on a fantastic life together.
Congrats! But most importantly, how many songs from Prince were on the wedding playlist?
Congratulations Anil.. Wish you best of luck for the future.
Three, Oliver. Three. :)
You wrote "The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first."
There's real wisdom. Now take out the "in these contexts" bit and you have the secret to making a marriage last.
I've been married 28 years now, nearly, and if there hadn't been a mutual commitment from the start, which we continually renewed, it wouldn't have lasted.
Hard times will come. Love alone won't get you through. At some point, it takes mutual commitment.
Good luck. If you're as happy as we are in 28 years, consider yourself very fortunate.
Yay, is all. Also, you may now begin addressing her as "the ol' ball and chain". But mostly yay.
congratulations, again, to you both. the wedding was lovely.
(it's also the only one i've been to where the playlist consisted of equal parts bjork and prince.)
Congratulations, omedetou!
T'is a wonderful feeling to be married!
While I'm not exactly reading up on marriage on a daily basis, this may be the best thing I've read in a while about love and relationships.
Congratualations, Anil.
I especially liked this:
"The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first. It doesn't occur to most people to get upset that they don't get to choose their siblings; You just love your brother or sister, or you try to, and you fight sometimes and you disagree, and then you get over it, and that's what family is about. And in some ways, marriage can be like that, too. There's a liberation in knowing you don't have an easy out: You know you're going to make it work, and you're not going to give up."
As I child of divorce, and as an observer of other dysfunctional relationships, I've always desired to find someone with that view of commitment. I call it unconditional love. It sounds like you have that in your marriage, and I'm happy for you.
I also liked this:
"What he told us is that, in the end, only love matters. Success and fame and wealth and even health all fade in time, and in the end all you have is love. And love is what matters. I hope everyone in the world gets the chance to discover that in the way that I have. I love you, Alaina."
Your father sounds like a wise man.
I never could explain the dynamics of Arranged Marriage as simple as this.
Cogratulations and have a wonderful life ahead.
Congrats To both of you.
Hooray! :) Congratulations!
beautiful entry. congrats anil and alaina! you are blessed to be loved and to find someone to love. i'm already looking forward to the anniversary posts!
Love can never be well-rendered by words. But your hapiness is evident! Best wishes. I can relate - I have been married for 3 perfect years.
well said, as always.
i've known my wife 20 years (now just over half our lives). we've been married 14. as a rookie, you joined with alaina for all the right reasons and you grok what a commitment marriage is.
one thing you didn't mention is how old long(er) time married folks like me come out of the woodwork and hand unsolicited advice.
here's mine:
the best advice i got on the relationsihp with one's wife was from my brother's best friend (was like a 2nd brother to me) - 'Keep her happy, or she will look for it elsewhere.'
happy for both of you,
charlie
spread the love. peace.
Congratulations, Anil! An inspiring post.
Congratulations Anil - this is a great news! :-)
Congratulations! And may you have a long long lifetime of happiness together. What wonderful news!