I don't ever know how to respond politely when declining a drink without sounding like either a religious teetotaler or a recovering alcoholic (I'm neither) so I could definitely relate to Alison's lament about how to tell her neighbor she, like, doesn't do that:
"hey, i was gonna ask you, and this might be a strange question" (oh crap he's going to ask me out isn't he, what should i say? thanks but i'm not interested in dating anyone right now thanks but i don't like to go out with neighbors thanks but i can't date or the dog gets jealous thanks but you're kind of annoying?), "but do you do anything other than wine?"
"yeah..." i said, relieved he wasn't asking me out.
"oh, good. bump?"
shit! why, oh why, did i not know he was talking about drugs? he was just talking about drugs ten minutes ago! why did i think, "well, i drink beer sometimes, and i enjoy a nice vodka tonic, and those things are other than wine, so my answer is YEAH"?
"oh! i mean, no! sorry!"
And hey, I learned what "bump" means in the slang that all the kids are using today! Hmm, I'm realizing that I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I think Adam Ant wrote a song about this.
Your next lesson: “Do you party?” also means “Do you do drugs?” (usually coke). These are the kind of things that always get me in trouble.
see, i would interpret “do you party?” as “do you enjoy attending gatherings of people to celebrate various milestones?” to which i’d say, “yeah.”
the next time i ran into matt, he apologized profusely for offering me coke, and then invited me to join him and a girl he once tried to get me to date at a nearby bar. needless to say, i didn’t go.
the footnote is the best part
I thought that as I got older it would be easier to tell people that I don’t drink but nope. I actually had a VP that with much disappointment in her voice once said to me, “I really wish you drank wine.” What are you supposed to say to that? I don’t have a clue why people find not drinking to be such a strange thing but it seems to be.
Maybe I’m too old or something, but I had no idea that “bump” had anything to do with drugs…