Linked as a Cruel Site of the Day, August 24, 2001.

Just a note to let you know:

I already saw it.

That forward? I got it. I've gotten it. I do not wish to keep receiving it. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, and chagrined by the United States Government. I do not marvel at how inexpensive things used to be, nor am I astonished that kids today don't know about things that happened before they were born.

The photo? I had that, too. I have seen two children of any given ethnicity holding hands. I have seen fat ladies in thongs. I saw the bungee jumper crap his pants and I have seen adults covering themselves or others with vomit, urine, and/or beer in any conceivable arrangment with which you would want to provide me. I have no concern for what you consider to be worthy of a MasterCard "Priceless" parody. Intoxication does not amuse me.

I will not be starting or stopping the consumption of any product or service due to the information you provided me in your forwarded email. I will not be winning any contest nor will I submit any data for market research. I will not be subverting AOL, Microsoft, Disney, the IRS or any other entity through the continued transmittal of your bogus message. I boycott your boycotts.

I will not sign up for whatever affiliate program you've got in your email signature. I do not marvel at The Way Things Used to Be. Change your homepage to snopes.com.

I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit, for I am a stone and my heart is cold. Genuine friendships are characterized by emails that are written and sent for me and to me. I do not want to be made aware you were thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, I will not count my blessings, and I live in neither the best nor the worst country on Earth. Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy toward one another. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk, or use a toilet. God is a hoax.

My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My favorite color is: No. My favorite song is: No. I do not care what tree, dog, fruit, Power Ranger or member of the Mos Eisley Cantina Band I most resemble. There Is No All Your Base. I have seen the End of the Internet page, and that wasn't funny last time, either. I find recitations of "lookit how funny those foreigners are!" xenophobic, trite and tiring.

I think I'm done now. Please attribute this to Dave Barry and Kurt Vonnegut and then forward this to everyone in your address book.